Another semester down and I am ready for the extended break... not to mention a change in career. Seriously, I'm not entirely sure this whole teaching thing will work out. After talking with a friend today, I was rattled (once again) by how teaching college, no matter if you're part-time or full-time, is viewed by others. She informed me that a friend from high school, who I have not seen since graduating, asked about me. And when this friend learned of my occupation, they were excited and very happy for me, much more than I'd ever expect seeing as how I'm the one with the teaching job they're so excited about. I've seen these kinds of reactions from family and from other friends. No matter how often I say it, "I teach college," most everyone has the same reaction: "Wow! That's cool!"
The truth of the matter is it is not cool. What many people don't realize is that I'm at the bottom of the proverbial totem pole. There is definitive hierarchy in college, just like in any other job market. English composition (whether developmental or not) is not a fun class to teach. It's nearly as terrible as having to sit in it, except at this point I'd rather be in a composition class than teach it, for at least I'd be able to write something other than "You need more support for this," or "This is not the correct format," or "You have far too many ______ (insert: run-ons, comma splices, or fragments)," or "What the hell were you thinking turning this in? I can't even understand it!" Hopefully, you all knew I would never give a student that last comment, although I've often wanted to.
Endless repetition, that's the life of a teacher. And I don't have the creative energy, nor the time, to create fun exercises for my students that involve writing. How can I? Writing, in all of its frustrating complexity, is fun for me. Every new sentence is more than a collection of nouns, verbs, adjectives, phrases, and clauses; it's a new opportunity to express something that has not been written before in quite the same way; for unless you're copying someone word-for-word, each sentence is a new creation. I want to write, to create, and I have not had the opportunity to do much of that recently, or at least not as much as I want to. I mean come on, I've now written around eleven blog posts (the video one does not count since I didn't make it) plus a conference presentation. While that's quite a bit more than nothing, these forays into writing have distanced me further from teaching than anything else. I've enjoyed writing these posts, even if few people have read them. l thoroughly enjoyed the conference, all those other writers discussing writing and literature in its many forms. It was a blast. It reminded me of what I was missing out on, stuck here at the bottom, in composition hell.
Of course, that last statement was a bit of an exaggeration. I do enjoy my students. Many of them are bright, curious, and more than willing to learn. I do enjoy reading what they write because each of them provide unique views of the world, and I do find pleasure in helping them find their writing voice. What I don't find pleasure in is grading and the bureaucracy of school (I am very thankful here that I'm not teaching grade school, although college is catching up). As I said before, I'm not that creative when it comes to presenting the material because it's hard for me to see that there are other ways of presenting it. That sentence may not make that much sense to anyone not inside my head, so I'll try to clarify.
I've recently decided I am exactly the type of teacher I did not enjoy as a student. My students usually like me as a person, but many of them don't easily grasp what I'm trying to teach them and are too afraid to ask questions. Lately, I've been thinking of my worst class in college: Environmental Science. The subject was not that hard, and the teacher was intriguing, but he could not present the material in anything other than a mathematical formula. He'd describe the bonding of atoms and the composition of molecules as straight equations. And while I did get the material, others were not so quick on the uptake. They would constantly ask for the professor to help them understand the material, and instead of switching to another visual mode, he'd simply rewrite the formula again. Actually, this tactic reminds me a bit of my partner's niece, who (while trying to teach Tim's mom the lyrics to a song) became frustrated when Tim's mom was not getting the lyrics right, "No! Here, I'll sing louder." And she did, much, much louder. I imagine this is what's its like for my students at times. I honestly don't know if I'm capable of switching modes for them. I've spent so much time writing and studying writing that it's hard to switch, to understand what's like for them. When presented with their missed-understanding, I write louder.
Really, I believe exhaustion and frustration are an overwhelming force at this point and are the driving forces of this post and the one before. After a year of sort-of-full-time teaching, I thought I'd have more to show for my degree and all the praise that comes with my profession than three part-time jobs, no benefits, little pay (but more than I was making at Chili's, which is a very good thing), and a seemingly never-ending commute. I'm tired of waiting, tired of being passed over for full-time positions, tired waiting for an agent to respond to my query, tired of teaching the same stuff over and over again, and most of all, I'm tired of not creating.
I guess there's only one solution, right? Quit whining and do something about it!
And here's a hyperbolic, yet appropriate quote from a movie I thoroughly enjoy, Wanted: (Yes, there's cussing; yes, it's a bit extreme coming from someone who teaches for a living and wants desperately to be a writer, but the sentiment is about the same... kind of)
"This is me taking control... from the fraternity, from Janice from billing reports, from ergonomic keyboards, from cheating girlfriends and sack of shit best friends. This is me taking back control of my life. What the fuck have you done lately?"
:-D
The truth of the matter is it is not cool. What many people don't realize is that I'm at the bottom of the proverbial totem pole. There is definitive hierarchy in college, just like in any other job market. English composition (whether developmental or not) is not a fun class to teach. It's nearly as terrible as having to sit in it, except at this point I'd rather be in a composition class than teach it, for at least I'd be able to write something other than "You need more support for this," or "This is not the correct format," or "You have far too many ______ (insert: run-ons, comma splices, or fragments)," or "What the hell were you thinking turning this in? I can't even understand it!" Hopefully, you all knew I would never give a student that last comment, although I've often wanted to.
Endless repetition, that's the life of a teacher. And I don't have the creative energy, nor the time, to create fun exercises for my students that involve writing. How can I? Writing, in all of its frustrating complexity, is fun for me. Every new sentence is more than a collection of nouns, verbs, adjectives, phrases, and clauses; it's a new opportunity to express something that has not been written before in quite the same way; for unless you're copying someone word-for-word, each sentence is a new creation. I want to write, to create, and I have not had the opportunity to do much of that recently, or at least not as much as I want to. I mean come on, I've now written around eleven blog posts (the video one does not count since I didn't make it) plus a conference presentation. While that's quite a bit more than nothing, these forays into writing have distanced me further from teaching than anything else. I've enjoyed writing these posts, even if few people have read them. l thoroughly enjoyed the conference, all those other writers discussing writing and literature in its many forms. It was a blast. It reminded me of what I was missing out on, stuck here at the bottom, in composition hell.
Of course, that last statement was a bit of an exaggeration. I do enjoy my students. Many of them are bright, curious, and more than willing to learn. I do enjoy reading what they write because each of them provide unique views of the world, and I do find pleasure in helping them find their writing voice. What I don't find pleasure in is grading and the bureaucracy of school (I am very thankful here that I'm not teaching grade school, although college is catching up). As I said before, I'm not that creative when it comes to presenting the material because it's hard for me to see that there are other ways of presenting it. That sentence may not make that much sense to anyone not inside my head, so I'll try to clarify.
I've recently decided I am exactly the type of teacher I did not enjoy as a student. My students usually like me as a person, but many of them don't easily grasp what I'm trying to teach them and are too afraid to ask questions. Lately, I've been thinking of my worst class in college: Environmental Science. The subject was not that hard, and the teacher was intriguing, but he could not present the material in anything other than a mathematical formula. He'd describe the bonding of atoms and the composition of molecules as straight equations. And while I did get the material, others were not so quick on the uptake. They would constantly ask for the professor to help them understand the material, and instead of switching to another visual mode, he'd simply rewrite the formula again. Actually, this tactic reminds me a bit of my partner's niece, who (while trying to teach Tim's mom the lyrics to a song) became frustrated when Tim's mom was not getting the lyrics right, "No! Here, I'll sing louder." And she did, much, much louder. I imagine this is what's its like for my students at times. I honestly don't know if I'm capable of switching modes for them. I've spent so much time writing and studying writing that it's hard to switch, to understand what's like for them. When presented with their missed-understanding, I write louder.
Really, I believe exhaustion and frustration are an overwhelming force at this point and are the driving forces of this post and the one before. After a year of sort-of-full-time teaching, I thought I'd have more to show for my degree and all the praise that comes with my profession than three part-time jobs, no benefits, little pay (but more than I was making at Chili's, which is a very good thing), and a seemingly never-ending commute. I'm tired of waiting, tired of being passed over for full-time positions, tired waiting for an agent to respond to my query, tired of teaching the same stuff over and over again, and most of all, I'm tired of not creating.
I guess there's only one solution, right? Quit whining and do something about it!
And here's a hyperbolic, yet appropriate quote from a movie I thoroughly enjoy, Wanted: (Yes, there's cussing; yes, it's a bit extreme coming from someone who teaches for a living and wants desperately to be a writer, but the sentiment is about the same... kind of)
"This is me taking control... from the fraternity, from Janice from billing reports, from ergonomic keyboards, from cheating girlfriends and sack of shit best friends. This is me taking back control of my life. What the fuck have you done lately?"
:-D
I have no doubt that you are reaching more students than you believe you are. Remember that teaching is like writing: it's going to take some time to find your voice. Until then, hitch yourself to a mentor and keep trucking. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, John!
ReplyDelete