This post seems to be an exercise in frustration and just "getting it out there." That means this reads much more like a journal entry than some of my other posts. Basically, I just needed to get all of this off my chest. If these ramblings just aren't to your taste, feel free to simply skip this post and move to others. Much more positive writings can be found on this site... somewhere, I'm sure. :)
If you continue, thanks.
Ugh! I can't think of anything to write!
Once again, I'm faced with having to write, or wanting to write, and finding that my brain simply does not want to focus on any of the various projects I'm working on. It's not that I don't know what to write. The stories and analysis are all there, in my head, but the act of translating the images in my head onto the page is becoming too much for me.
My Dracula paper--which I've posted here before, but a much shorter version--is becoming more of a mess than I ever thought it would. Pieces just are seeming to fall into place, and then there's the research. The articles I'm using to support my argument are not helping at all. That's not to say they're not good. In fact, they're inspiring a kind of inadequacy in me that is frustrating. The articles seem to flow from one idea to the next with such ease that I can't help but feel like a kid pretending.
The funny thing is, I've felt that feeling many times before. The most recent occurrence occurred just a couple of weeks ago, actually. During an interview for a full-time job--and, of course, I abhor interviews with a passion--I suddenly found myself filled with such insecurity that it was almost overwhelming. There I was, sitting in front of all these accomplished college educators, and I felt like an imposter, like they were simply humoring me, much like a parent will do when his/her child is playing "dress-up."
I'm pretty sure this is just my own anxiety and insecurities, and I hope it didn't show in my interview; but it is frustrating, especially when I didn't get the job.
On another front, my book was once again rejected by an agent. The good news is that she was kind enough to actually send me what looked like a small critique: "While I found the concept intriguing, the voice didn't pull me like I'd want it to." It's a small step forward in terms of responses, but now I'm worried that my writing voice may not be all that interesting.
From the looks of it, I'm facing a crisis of confidence lately. Those nagging questions that start filling the mind; those negative voices in my head have started overpowering the vastly outnumbered positive voices. It's the struggle I'm sure many writers have/had to deal with on a daily basis, and I take solace in the fact that with today's technology my writing will find a space, however small, to be heard. My small voice, whether it "pulls" at more than friends and family, has an area where it will be understood. Our ability to express ourselves is infinite. But if no one is around to listen, the attempt becomes futile and pointless, and could eventually lead to nothing, silence.
Hmmmm......
Those last lines are quite depressing, even for a depressive like me. Truth be told, my voice will never be silenced. This very post is evidence of that. When faced with not being able to write, what do I do? I write. Writing has been, and will always be, my best form of expression. Even when it feels like I can't express myself. Writing it down--whatever "it" is--has always helped me work through my problems.
And if no one is around to listen, then I guess I'll just keep writing. The voices in my head do make for great company sometimes. If only I could get them to focus a bit more.
No comments:
Post a Comment