The Power of Art on Memory and the Heart

Every so often I come across a film or book that is so affecting that I can't bring myself to watch it multiple times. Watching such films, or reading such books, again is an exercise in emotional torture, albeit the good kind. And last week, I experienced yet another example of this very phenomenon, and in a very unlikely place: It occurred while I watched last Thursday's episode of Glee.

This is the second post I've written about Glee; and while I usually think of Glee as a wonderful and fun show, I don't think of it as great art. Inspirational? Yes. Art? No. However, this particular episode surprised me and stabbed me right in the heart; it unearthed some memories that have long been buried, some hurts that have long been forgiven. And I was wholly unprepared for it.

Last week's episode lived up to the title, "The Break Up." (Beware! Spoilers abound!)

Even before the episode started, I figured one of the power couples in the show would be breaking up. I was surprised when damn near all of them broke up, and not all for exactly the same reason.

I've loved this season so far because the show has started to venture outside of the choir room. Oddly enough, I am loving the Rachel and Kurt story lines much more than the New Directions story lines. Well, I guess that's not quite so odd considering that both Kurt and Rachel are the driving forces of the show. Without meaning to, I'm sure, they both have taken center stage.

Anyway, this episode followed the four main "power" couples of the series (Rachel/Finn, Kurt/Blaine, Will/Emma, and Brittany/Santana) as they journey through some treacherous emotional terrain. Each couple is dealing with some kind of separation, mostly through distance, but also in growth and expectations.

As some are experiencing life after high school, those left behind are having to deal with the developing voids in their lives. And those who are experiencing life in "the real world" are having to deal with juggling their past lives with their present realities. The transition from high school to college/work is a difficult one, especially when there are some incredible ties to your former life.

"The Break Up" resonated with me so much exactly because it brought out some long buried memories. It was like watching the emotions I had once lived through. Indeed, a very specific memory came to mind while watching the show, and I found myself becoming overwhelmed.

See, like the characters of Glee, I was in a relationship during high school: my first love. We knew that the transition would be difficult, and so it was.

Now, here's where my memory becomes a bit faulty. I distinctly remember having a conversation that entailed our being free, but still together. Forgive my ignorance, I was in love at the time, and willing to agree to anything to keep that feeling alive, however feebly. That being said, my boyfriend at the time doesn't recall us every having that conversation, so who knows what we had agreed upon.

Really, our lives were taking different paths. He was moving across the state to finish high school and start a college program at a university. I was staying in my hometown (good 'ol Odessa... yay) to work on my basic courses in college.

Our first semester apart didn't seem to be too hard. We talked on a regular basis, at least as regularly as we could; and soon into the fall semester I decided to pay him visit. This visit was the moment when the end of what was became a reality in my mind.

While watching Glee, I was struck with how much they got right. The awkward merging of two people's lives when they have some time apart. Both Blaine and Finn travel to New York to visit Rachel and Kurt. However, it soon becomes apparent that their lives have become vastly different. The pace, the rhythm, the very energy all of them once shared has altered. One pair is enjoying the direction their lives have taken while the other only feels stuck, incapable in truly sharing in the joy.

I felt that awkwardness. I felt that shift in rhythm. It was not pleasant.

The moment I found myself in my boyfriend's apartment I knew something was different, but I told myself that the difference lied within me. After all, I am not the best traveler, and I don't react all that well to change.

He was living a life vastly different from my own. He was living the typical "college life," enjoying classes, new social connections, and (naturally, I guess) partying with friends. My life at that point focused almost entirely on work and classes. There wasn't much time for new social connections since so many of closest friends had moved away.

Despite the alteration in how we related to each other, I persisted. I was going to enjoy my time there. And I did. Right up until the point when I found myself vomiting in a bathroom.

I was so determined to have a good time and prove that I could hang with his new-found college friends that I found myself playing a drinking game at an apartment, not my boyfriend's. I don't even remember the game. All I remember is playing the game and becoming, for the first time in my life, excessively intoxicated. I think the most accurate word is "plastered."

My memory here jumps from playing the game to finding myself alone at the table, smiling rather stupidly I imagine. Suddenly, I knew a trip to the restroom was going to be a necessity. So, I gingerly made my way through the crowd of people in the living room, found the line to the restroom, and patiently waited for my turn.

The rest, I'm sure, is not too hard to imagine. I was gone.

The only things that were real to me in that moment were the toilet, the coolness of the restroom floor, and my own spectacular retching. To this day, I can't stomach a vodka cranberry.

An old high school friend (not my boyfriend) found me in the restroom (I'm guessing that people started to complain about how long I had occupying the one restroom in the apartment) and led me to a bedroom, where a trash can was produced so I could continue vomiting without interfering with the other partyer's restroom breaks.

Through the fog of memory it soon became clear that I had been left there by the very people who had brought me. I was taken back to my boyfriend's place (grocery sacks were needed for the car ride), and I was guided up the stairs,  stumbling and apologizing all the way up that spiral staircase. I can honestly say it wasn't my shining hour. And for the next month and a half I couldn't stand the smell of alcohol, which is interesting when one considers the fact that I was the only one at my restaurant who could serve alcohol.

The point of this is not to place blame on anyone. It is merely the memory that surfaced while watching Glee last week. And I don't want anyone to think negatively on my ex-boyfriend. To be honest, we both didn't have the same expectations, desires, or even the same goals after high school, so my persistence in believing there was anything left of our relationship has a lot to do with my inability to let the relationship die. For the longest time I was unable to let go of the love between us. I didn't want to face the fact that we had moved beyond what we'd had in high school, beautiful though it was at times.

Just like certain smells can suddenly, forcibly, remind us of a loved one passed, a good piece of art can pull on those bits of emotions we'd thought long buried. The love I was felt for my ex-boyfriend is long gone. However, I was surprised to be reminded of the hurt and awkwardness of feeling stuck, of feeling left behind.

Weird, so often as adults we try to act as though the experiences of our younger years have no bearing or effect on our present. But it only takes a smell, a photograph, a story, or even a brilliant piece of art to force those emotions to the surface, purge them, if you will. In my line of work, we call this a catharsis.

It is rare for me to actually feel catharsis in today's art, but it still happens. Even more rare is discovering a cathartic moment in a television series. I cannot remember a moment in any series I've watched feeling so viscerally moved by an episode. Honestly, I can't believe such a reaction happened while watching Glee. However, it did, and I have to be honest with how I feel. Art is subjective, after all. And while I don't expect to feel this way again for a long time, I am happy to have experienced it.